Another year

In general, I dread my birthday every year, and not for the reason of getting older. I enjoy becoming older because there is so much more to be learned and collecting wisdom is a beautiful state of being. 

The process of aging and doing it gracefully is something I truly hope to achieve over the course of my life. And by gracefully I mean by learning from mistakes, becoming more compassionate and understanding, loving harder and forgiving more- especially our own shortcomings. 

Being that we are generally our own worst enemy or harshest critics (unless you’re Kanye West or another equally  unenlightened being), gaining more peace and love for ourselves is the hardest task to accomplish. And by being kinder, more accepting and living towards ourselves, we usually reflect this peace outwardly towards those around us. 

Hippy dippy stuff, right? That’s what you’re probably thinking, but I encourage you to read scientific studies of compassion and mindfulness and you’ll see that it’s not a bunch of new age granola nonsense. 

So I try to be mindful and more loving to myself and those around me. The more I embrace this, the more content I am, even in the face of scary shit. My life is extremely uncertain right now in some regards, and yes it’s scary not knowing when my last paycheck is going to come and if I’ll be able to find another job before that happens. Of course that’s frightening, but I don’t dwell on it and mull over it and stew in my own anxiety like I used to. My reasoning? It isn’t serving me. No matter how much anxiety I have, it won’t change whatever is going to happen. All I can do is be proactive about changing the things that I can. 

And so back to my original point of my loathing and fear of birthdays. My fear is unrelated to the process of aging, but entirely based on the fact that I have had some utterly terrible birthdays. Death, heartbreak, family fueds, anxiety attacks, a quarter life crisis… I’ve had so many weird and awful ones that I dread it. 

Today I turned 29 and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I had a genuinely lovely day. Nothing spectacular happened! As in, nothing spectacularly good or bad. That, with all my past experiences makes for a lovely day. 

I went to work, I had a challenging yoga class where I got a little upset, I had an amazing and quiet dinner with my parents. Now I’m in bed and feeling so grateful for the fact that I’m alive. I’m alive and I’ve made it another year. This means I get to collect more wisdom and the fact that today wasn’t awful just makes it so much easier to see potential and possibility.

So go out there and love harder and live more, especially when things are scary and stressful and crappy, because you too are alive and how amazing is that? You get another day to give it your best shot!
Peace love and plants 

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